In my teens I remember my Dad being a very quiet, grumpy sort of a man. He didn’t say a lot, he had few close friends and he wasn’t very social or outgoing. When I look back I know that he was under a lot of financial and work pressure, trying to run a farm on his own, paying to put his kids through boarding school. Later, he’d admit that he was depressed, not that he every saw anyone about it.
When he was 79, we were living in the Emirates. He came over with Mum, the first trip he’d ever made out of New Zealand. We weren’t really sure how he’d cope with a very different culture and people. He blew us away with his curiosity, his interest and his generosity. We would walk through the souks and be constantly waiting as he chatted to spice sellers, cloth merchants and hawkers. He was interested in the people, the culture and what they had to offer. He’d chat with our workmates, asking questions about their roles and their lives. It was a joy to introduce him to the places and the people that we’d come to know through our life there.
Perhaps he had that spark and vitality as a younger man, but I wasn’t around to see it.
The lesson I take from that change is that our ability to connect isn’t a fixed trait, like the colour of our eyes. Our ability to connect reflects our curiosity, how open we are and our self-confidence. All of these are influenced by factors like pressure from work, health issues and financial worry. When we are under stress the release of cortisol heightens our threat response and we see social situations as threatening. This can be self perpetuating. The response leads to isolation, which pushes us further from the connections that can help us overcome that isolation.
As our lives change, so can our ability to connect. But it is possible for positive change to be driven by connection. Researchers have proven that our ability to connect can be improved by changes as simple as working on our active listening. Improved connection can help reduce stress, improve our sense of wellbeing and self confidence. It can make us happier.
Sometimes its worth taking a moment to ask ourselves if we connect with others in the way that we’d like. If not, get in touch, I’m happy to share some of what I’m learning on how to improve our social connections.
